The story of the "skinnygirl"
rarely dares Clare out of the ground. Without stealth it is vulnerable. Dolls just because she sits on the sofa a dark city coffee bar pulls hastily on the cigarette, again and again. Klara's top 15 It could be their first date, so nervous as it is. But Clare is excited because she tells her story. It centers on a site with large, bulging letters in pink, mint and red. The writing is right for teen dreams like, "Do you Want to love you go with me?" Clare writes, however: "I only want one thing, the emaciated, anorexic body, the exaggerated perfectionism." Or: "I want to be holy, I want to do without." Or: "I want to power through hunger."
you ordered a large coffee, black. Milk would be a sin. She talks only because her real name remains secret and the pseudonym that she uses in the scene, also. For who knows Klara should know the most important thing is not: that they have a Pro-Ana-activist. Ana Anorexia such as anorexia. One of hundreds in Germany, thousands in the U.S. that anonymous in the internet for the right to fight hunger in the world, or at least in his own stomach. They use the internet all pseudonyms, Clara could mean there Skinnygirl. "Pro Ana is a hardcore lifestyle," says Clare. "We see this as a way of life to be always on a diet. We just want to be thin. It distinguishes itself from the others. It has a secret."
It was during the Easter holidays a year ago, when Clare began to transform itself to Skinnygirl. She visited her cousin. The relatives had a modern scale. Klara weighed in the morning and evening and every time she again The toilet was gone. She was fascinated and shaken. Always showed the scales at 58 pounds. "Chocolate, chocolate, sweets - my cousin and I were terrible sweet tooth," says Clare. "I looked like shit pretty much since I've made up my mind.. You change now"
you hungry, bought at 53 pounds the first book about a young anorexic child. Meanwhile, ten on your shelf. "With each book, I was fascinated." The books found Klara addresses of sites like www.hungrig-online.de, want to help anorexics. And there she read for the first time by the Pro-Ana scene. A little later, she was even this: Skinnygirl, 1.74 meters, 47 kilos.
If the school is the door to the modem, it becomes active. Skinnygirl has built its own home page. To observe the American scene, imitated and copied. On their website there is anything that is currently in demand: How hunger, their tens of Pro-Ana-Bid, a pro-Ana creed, a weight loss meeting, several discussion forums. "If you eat, drink after each bite a mouthful of water," advises Skinnygirl. "Drink ice cold water because the body must burn calories to warm up again. Seats always maintained that burns 10 percent more calories! Roll DOLL abdominal pain up into a ball, that helps." Your faith ends with the sentence: "I believe in a world that consists only of black and white on the loss of weight, the forgiveness of sins, the rejection of the flesh and in a life full of hunger."
The parents at home, the friends, the teachers at school see a Clare, whose face has become more pointed, which emulate the models of the clothes advertising, is flawless make-up, the belly button with free, close whipped jeans on long legs, high heels. A bit of fast growth the girl, you would think. But Clare has not grown. It has everything weggefastet Soft regurgitated. The child did not die in it gently, it died of starvation.
The father had actually meant well when he Klara a new PC on the desk set, one with Internet access. Possible that the mother knew something back then. Because after Christmas they said, "Now you may no longer continue to decline, Clara." But his father was against it: "It looks good but as it is now." Clara's father is a businessman, teacher, mother, brother studied. Viewed from afar Klara has what many children want: a clean home where there is no lack of money and not of good will. You can surf as long as she wants, daddy pays company. But Clare would like to trade, preferably immediately. "Evening", she says, "everyone is sitting in front of the own TV. "They get along must be alone with their lies, their panic, its scale, its Glauber salt, her vomit and her crazy stomach, which he kept wanting to be empty. Klara do not know whether to remember the parents something." If then they say it just do not. "
consolation Klara searching outside the web. Nearly every day it trades as Skinnygirl web affectionate messages from other Anas, who call themselves Butterfly or Kati_the_skinny or Like_the_air or bone Mausi.
the hungry and refracting write their own language, in the horror with pet names. In her letters, it's about Mia as bulimia, which Essbrechsucht to therapy as therapy to FA as eating attack to make it as Eating disorder. Send messages like: ". Hello Again Skinnygirl FA had * sigh * I'm at now 52 kilos tomorrow eat an apple and float 50 lifts Let's hear from you * * All cuddly, love your Butterfly.." Or "Has anyone of you ever tried the laxative Does that just so perplexed at the pharmacy, bone Mausi?."
"These forums are like one big family," says Clare. "They give support, because we all have the same problem They say it's all because you have the anonymity Knowing I'm not the only one that is so shitty -.. That's good."
For years, Clare thinks she was too bad for their parents. A Rivets in math, too weak for high school, not sports mad, no great musical talent. "I think," she says, "most Anas come from families where high demands are made. If you can not even really, you look to stop something that discipline whatsoever."
you want to be admired for their bodies, their Web site. This is the most important thing. Other objectives rather haunted times, times that by its head, usually driven by some fear. The desire for herausstaksenden hip bone, for example. Of which it once gushed from bone Mausi, when she was 35 pounds. "Men are totally on it, during sex to stick with it," vowed bone Mausi. Klara do not know. So "kz-standard super thin" should not have looked the ideal Ana, she finds: "You will still look strong and will not be pitied."
Sometimes, says Clare, warns her conscience: your website to donate! Make some more unhappy girl! It is clear where the starving and puking ends for many - in the hospital or the cemetery. She sees her difficulties and is still not different.
She has not forgotten how it tears crawled into bed a few months ago, because their pro-Ana site was gone. Simply shut down suddenly. She turned on the computer, nothing came. All deleted. Friendships, texts, hopes. The provider had the content for "health hazard" found.
healthy or sick - Klara is one. You can imagine a life more rich with corn flakes for breakfast, pasta for lunch and then supper. Her life are Skinnygirl, Internet friends with the sad, faceless girls. So they started again, better camouflaged, on a site with a harmless name and colorful facade. She is waiting for the day when as many again Anas related to her as earlier dreams of a club with a secret sign of recognition: If all Anas put a chain of white beads around his neck, like themselves, then know each school, who still heard all this.
But the fear pounding louder and louder. "It is difficult to maintain this false image," says Clare in the coffee bar. "Play every day: I'm a normal girl who is doing well I do not know how long I can do it yet.." Then she was silent.
Two tables sit on a merry round, eats cake and fat-filled pancakes. Other girls would cry now. Klara by stares, does what she practices every day: stand firm, endure. On her coffee, she has hardly sipped.
she rummaged in her handbag, pulls out two neatly folded piece of paper. There are poems, hand written in blue ink "By Clare L.". Sometimes when you and the fight seems lost Skinnygirl makes Klara from the computer and rhymes. Lines and stanzas, the rise in the end always kind. The nice girl magazine would please parents and teachers determine Clara's message is not ". The girl floats up, straight to heaven Had she not gone away, they would have again been hanging above the toilet."
The people out there see a different Clare. A shot up girl who is looking on the way to the station in a clothing store for running shoes with the right strip and can talk for minutes on why the dark blue print "Ahoy" is better than "Bluna" in green.
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